I am Lost. Do You Have a Map?

Back when Ryan and I were planning our family, our move to Manitoba, our future I was so sure of what I wanted and was capable of. Now I am not.

As for my family life and where I want to be I have no doubts. I want this baby more than anything and I want to be in Manitoba. Despite the sadness I have about leaving my family (mostly my grandparents) I know that Manitoba is where I belong. I feel that I deserve the life that waits for me in Manitoba.

As far as a career for me... I am lost. I really have no idea, what I want to do, what I would be good at , what is available to me.

Our plan was for me to start my ECE (Early Childhood Education) while we were still living here. This way I would have a head start on my school before me moved and hopefully by the time my maternity leave was up I would be done or almost done and able to work in a daycare.

There were so many reasons I chose this as the career I wanted. It was the closest thing to staying home with my kids that I could do and get paid for. I would love the opportunity to be a stay at home mom, but in this day and age that is not always possible. It may have been a more realistic dream if I had done my life in order. You know fall in love, marry, and then have kids. This would have given me/us time to work and save money, buy a house and get settled on our feet. This is not a reality for us and I am willing to accept that I just wish there was a way I could work and be with my kids.

The other reason I choose ECE is because I actually want the opportunity to learn more about children. I am enjoying my studies. I like to learn about how children grow, what effects their personalities, their learning abilities. I have always loved children, since I was very little. I started babysitting when I was only 11. It was a 3 day a week job and I enjoyed it so much.

Now I am wondering if that is really my calling though? If that is really what I would be good at? Would I be patient enough to deal with the children? Am I picking this career for the right reasons or only because I am selfish and want a career where I can be with my kids? Do I have the right personality to handle the day to day of so many kids? Do I even have what it takes to finish the school? Did I not think about how much school would cost? What if we can't afford it?

The problem is I don't know the answer to any of these questions.

I know I am enjoying my schooling (for the most part). I am, however, finding it hard to do. The work itself is not overly difficult. I have only completely 4 course but have gotten an 'A' in all of them. The problem is I cannot find the time or energy to do it. I suppose I thought I was Wonder Women and I could do anything, but I can't. The school work exhausts me and makes me angry because I don't' know when or how to fit it into my life.

This past month I did not order a new course. I am worried about spending the money on the courses if I am not going to finish them. I am worried that I am going to take on too much and therefore be a tired, angry awful mother and wife at home. I am worried that I will finish the course and then in the end not even want to work in a daycare centre. I couldn't handle the guilt of paying all the money for the schooling and then not doing it.

I think I feel intimidated by what I see when I go to Rawley's daycare centres. The smaller ones where the kids stay in the same centre for long periods of time and you get to know them and build relationships sounds wonderful. However, the large centres where the groups of children change every few months and no one is settled and so much is expected of the ECE provider scare me. If I knew I could finish the course and set up my own daycare in my own house I think I would be less scared. But knowing that is not really a possibility considering we do not have the money to buy a house, renovate is for a daycare and go through all the business set up stuff... makes me think I am way out of my league. Besides that I would never have the knowledge to run my own business. That is a little beyond me I believe.

So what I know is that I am scared. I am scared of making the wrong choice, wasting money we do not have, wearing myself out, being a bad ECE is I even do it....so fear had led me to confusion. Confusion about what I actually want and what I am capable of. Confusion has left me to ....giving up... or at least putting it on hold because if I don't know what choice is right I just shouldn't make a choice at all.

So here I sit 4.5 months pregnant, plans to move to Manitoba in 6 months...but have no job lined up to go back to after mat leave, no idea of a job that I can do, no real dent in my school work.....and worried.

One Spoiled Girl

I feel very loved and very spoiled. I had the best birthday yesterday. I am thinking that taking the day off work on your birthday is a really good idea. All I wanted for my birthday was mixing bowls and a night out. I got way more.

Yesterday morning I was able to lounge in bed late and read my book. Rawley got up, came and closed my bedroom door then went and got his breakfast. I was not able to actually sleep but I lied in bed for an hour and read.

It was nice to have a slow paced morning and then take Rawley to school myself. I think that was the first time I have ever got to do that.

Next it was my date with Lindsay. We went shopping at Walmart and the mall. She took me into The Body Shop were I talked to one of the girls about my awful pregnancy skin. She recommended a Tea Tree Oil face wash. She said that it is fine to use during pregnancy but I have read otherwise on the Internet. I guess it is another one I will have to do more research on before I commit to using it. I have tried it out though and I love it. Lindsay took me to Mitch Miller's for lunch. They have the most amazing food. Their Caesar Salad is to die for and their Club house is also amazing. I left totally stuffed. Before dropping Lindsay of at work she helped me pick out a pair of maternity jeans from Thyme. Ryan's mom and dad gave me $ for my birthday to buy them and they are awesome. They are comfy, stylish, and have room to grow. I love them.

After that it was off to the ultrasound with Ryan. The only person who did not spoiled me on my birthday was Nudge (the baby). Nudge was in a awful position for measuring and pictures. We tried everything to get baby to move but had no success. I walked a bit, went pee, did a little dance, jumped up and down...nothing. The tech had me lay flat, then on one side, then on the other.... It was a very long process and in the end we got some not so great photos. I have noticed in the past that I feel Nudge more if I eat cookies or chocolate, so before the 3D Ultrasound on Feb 20th I am going to have to sugar the baby up. ;)

~I like this photo below though. We got a good look at the heart pumping away at 149.~

After the ultrasound we stopped by my Grandma & Grandpa's to visit and bit and show them the ultrasound pictures. Then Ryan took me to the Keg for dinner. It was so yummy. We had Mushrooms Neptune and Garlic Buttered shrimp with cheese for appetizers. Then we each had a prime rib dinner. It is impossible to eat that much food so I now get to have prime rib lunch today. Yum. Ryan also took me out to see Leap Year at the Langley theatre. It was a cute love story. I am such a chick flick girl so I loved it. It was not even one I wanted to see but it was really enjoyable. Both dinner and our movies were paid for with gift certificates so Ryan went all out on my gifts. I felt so spoiled!!!

It was such a wonderful day and evening for me. Thank you dad for babysitting, Lindsay for my morning/lunch date Mom & Dad W for my new jeans and Ryan for spoiling me the rest of the day.

~free Lancome gift that came with the perfume (Rawley got to give me this one)~

~Perfume from Ryan~



~Pyrex mixing bowls (and measuring spoons) from Rawley~



~Locket from Ryan~

Weekend of Ups & Downs

I had a great weekend as well as a awful weekend all in one.

Friday night we went bowling with our friends, Tom & Jeannine. It was a bit of a birthday celebration for me and since Rawley never gets to come to those we let him come. We went to the Thunder Bowl here in town. Thunder Bowling is when they turn off the house lights, turn of black lights, and laser lights and pump up the music. It is a lot of fun. Rawley was really well behaved considering we rarely let him stay up past his bedtime (8:00) and we stayed out till 9:30 on Friday. Rawley has never done 10 pin bowling and he did not have much luck with the game, but he was in a great mood the whole night.

~ Tom & Jeannine~

Saturday I sent my husband off to help our friends do some renos on their newly purchased home. This left Rawley and I to get into mischief all day. We walked to the bank, then the Library. We went down to my dad's house to clean a bit and get rid of some stuff I had on craigslist. Once we got home we played a board game. It was a really wonderful day together but I was exhausted by 6 and needed a nap so bad. Just after falling asleep my phone rang. Second time I feel asleep Rawley decided to play with his dart guns. The nap was never accomplished.

Shortly after the failed nap we headed over to Tom & Jeannine's for dinner. Tom made us an awesome dinner followed up with Jeannine's homemade Chocolate mousse. The mousse was made with Lindt chocolate and brandy. It was amazing. Rawley got to play a round a Foosball with everyone but me and then we watched part of Finding Nemo on their huge projector screen. Rawley of course has 'hated' this movie for a while now. He out grew it at some point. However, while it was on he stared at the screen and barely moved the entire time. :) Deep down he still loves Nemo I think. (I miss the movie, it used to be a daily ritual 5 years ago)

This was Rawley's second late night this weekend (a very rare occurrence for him) yet he was still quite well behaved. Sunday was not such a highlight of our weekend. I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a truck. Every muscle in my body hurt as well as my ears and eyes. I felt very faint and tired. I thought maybe it was due to low blood pressure, which I have a lot, but I checked it at the store machine and I was not too bad. I was grumpy, angry, moody, and easily agitated all day long. Poor Ryan & Rawley. Rawley was also some what over tired form his 2 exciting nights in a row and not all that well behaved. We did not get along for the most part. Finally Ryan & Rawley went out for a bit in the afternoon and I retreated to my bed. I had a 2 hour nap but woke up feeling worse if anything. The rest of the day was a blur. A yelling, arguing, nearly crying blur. By the time 8 pm rolled around I thought I might faint.

Ryan quietly and politely put up with me all day long and even gave me a back rub last night before bed. Thank you huney!

Fish in a Bag

The baby (dubbed 'Nudge') has been really active lately. I feel it all the time but have a hard time describing what it feels like. I was trying to think on a way to describe it to Ryan and Rawley. Since they can't feel it from the outside yet I wanted to be able to tell them what it was like.

This morning after getting up at 5:30 to send Ryan off to work I could not fall back asleep. I had a killer headache and took some Tylenol and cuddled with an ice pack while lying in bed stressing and over thinking everything from 'oh my God in 5 months I am going to have to go through labour' to 'I have nothing to wear tomorrow night when we go out bowling.'

While my overactive brain was at work so was my baby. It was moving and kicking and then the description hit me all of a sudden how I can explain it to the boys.

For anyone who has bought (or won) a fish you will get this. You know when you are carrying the bag with the fish inside and it swims into the bag you feel a little nudge on your hand. It is not hitting with enough force to make the bag bulge but you definitely feel the little nudge. That is what it feels like when the baby gives a little kick or push. Then there are the softer feelings. When the fish is swimming along the edge of the bag just close enough for it to rub lightly and cause a tickling/fluttering sensation. That is what it feels like when the baby is moving around touching the uterine wall but not actually putting any force or pressure on it.

So, if you want to know what I am feeling throughout the day go to PetSmart, buy a fish and hold the bag in your hand. ;)

That's the best I got.

No Peppermint Oil

Still having headaches. Today's did not come on until about 12:30 and it is not as bad as they have been. I suppose I am thankful.

I finally got a hold of my Midwife today in regards to using Peppermint Oil. She told me I should research it on the internet because she really does not know much about it. She did tell me that if the headaches are that bad I should see the doctor and get a perscription for T3s. I don't want to talk T3s while I am pregnant.

So, I researched it on the internet and found more good than bad. 90% of articles I read said you should avoid it completely while pregnant. It is a Uterine Stimulant which could cause miscarriage and early dilivery of a baby. It may also cause Birth defect.

I did read personal stories from people that have used it and nothing happened, but no actual articles that tell you to use it.

Bummer.

Any other ideas?

What's Your Opinion?

I really want to dye my hair. I would love to re-dye the whole thing, but would settle for highlights to hide the roots.

I have read all the books and I know that they do not recommend dying your hair during pregnancy. However, they say right in the book that they have no proof that it leads to any birth defects. So little of the dye is actually absorbed through the skin that is is unlikely that it would have any adverse effect.

They do also mention that some practitioners still recommend against it though.

I have not actually asked my midwife yet. I am having a bit of a hard time with her. It seems I always have a lot of questions but she rarely has a lot of time. So I start with the most important questions and then when I feel I am being rushed I just stop. I know this is not a good thing and I need to be more ...self.. (I will come back when I think of a word).... more assertive? Is that the word I am looking for? (put my needs first and settle all my concerns instead of worrying about her time or all the patients still waiting in the waiting room. I waited an hour to see her they can too)

The reasons I want to dye my hair are many. Mostly, I am not happy with my looks right now. I am bulging already which would be okay if I had 'the glow' but I don't. I have acne so bad right now I can't even hide it with makeup. I have never had acne this bad not even as a young teenager. I am so used to have really great skin (on my face) so this is hard for me to accept. I am also not so great with the makeup thing so I do not know what to do to make it look better. I am a greasy mess by the end of the day and can't wait to get home and wash my face. I am surprised people don't mistake my acne for the chicken pox.

My hair has lost it's luster and shine AND I have 2 inch roots that stand out. I think dying my hair may make me feel a little less monster like and a little more human. But I worry.

I worry about what people will think. I worry about what could maybe possibly happen to the baby. I have waited out my whole first trimester, which they say is best if I am going to dye my hair. But I really don't know what to do.

Ultimately I will make my own choice (after talking with Ryan) but I am curious what others did. Did you dye your hair when you were pregnant? Do you know people who do?

Maybe if I can't dye it I should get some highlights and a really trendy new cut. .. I don't know.
I need something. I feel blah.

What to Talk About?

I have got no direct train of thought today. I am not saying that it is unusual, I am just saying.

I am still having incredible headaches and am running out of ideas of what to do about it.
I bought an Obus Form pillow that is suppose to help you keep good posture at night and relieve neck pain and headaches. I like the pillow but have not noticed any difference. A few of my friends suggested that I use Peppermint cream or oil. After trying several stores we finally found some at a health food store. The problem is that pregnant women should not use it. I will be calling my doctors office today to find out why and if my midwife thinks I can try it. I have another chiropractor appointment today so maybe another adjustment will help.

Regardless, we still managed to have a good weekend. Friday night was a quiet night at home. Saturday we headed into Vancouver to pick up the boys Olympic tickets from Robson square. On the way to stopped to look at some maternity pants that I found on Craigslist. She had 16 pairs of pants from high end stores for $110. I was stoked until I tried them on. She had them all hemmed and every pair was about 1" too short (or more). They were all so nice it was hard to walk away. Guess I will have to keep looking. Ryan and I hung out on the couch and watched the Canucks game that night. It was nice to see them emerge out fof their slump.

Sunday we slept in and missed church. Not that I have been over eager to go lately anyway. We (I) have not enjoyed our church much in the past year. So much has changed and it is kinda weird now. I don't usually enjoy it, but go because I feel guilty for not going. We went out for breakfast and grocery shopping instead. Sunday afternoon Rawley had a friend over to play for a couple hours. It is always nice when he has someone else to play with and talk to, it gives us a break. We spent last night on the couch watching Dirty Jobs and Mythbusters. Rawley loved Mythbusters last night. It was about rockets and blowing up cars. It can't get much cooler than that!

All in all we were fairly boring all weekend and have no pictures to prove it. :)

Maybe our week will be more exciting.

Baby News:
Baby is still kicking and poking me often enough that I know all is well. Soon Ryan will be able to feel it from the outside which will be nice. He feels left out right now.
I have kind of hit a platue with growing for right now. I exploded very early and looked quite pregnant from 12 weeks on, but now at 17 I have kinda halted the expanding. It is nice for now.
Some of the names Rawley highlighted in the Baby Name Book:
Esmeralda
Asplendida
Essy
Emmylou
Halley
Hailey
Hail
He seemed to really like the "e" and "h" names. Maybe it was too soon to hand him a highlighter.