Back when Ryan and I were planning our family, our move to Manitoba, our future I was so sure of what I wanted and was capable of. Now I am not.
As far as a career for me... I am lost. I really have no idea, what I want to do, what I would be good at , what is available to me.
Our plan was for me to start my ECE (Early Childhood Education) while we were still living here. This way I would have a head start on my school before me moved and hopefully by the time my maternity leave was up I would be done or almost done and able to work in a daycare.
There were so many reasons I chose this as the career I wanted. It was the closest thing to staying home with my kids that I could do and get paid for. I would love the opportunity to be a stay at home mom, but in this day and age that is not always possible. It may have been a more realistic dream if I had done my life in order. You know fall in love, marry, and then have kids. This would have given me/us time to work and save money, buy a house and get settled on our feet. This is not a reality for us and I am willing to accept that I just wish there was a way I could work and be with my kids.
The other reason I choose ECE is because I actually want the opportunity to learn more about children. I am enjoying my studies. I like to learn about how children grow, what effects their personalities, their learning abilities. I have always loved children, since I was very little. I started babysitting when I was only 11. It was a 3 day a week job and I enjoyed it so much.
Now I am wondering if that is really my calling though? If that is really what I would be good at? Would I be patient enough to deal with the children? Am I picking this career for the right reasons or only because I am selfish and want a career where I can be with my kids? Do I have the right personality to handle the day to day of so many kids? Do I even have what it takes to finish the school? Did I not think about how much school would cost? What if we can't afford it?
The problem is I don't know the answer to any of these questions.
I know I am enjoying my schooling (for the most part). I am, however, finding it hard to do. The work itself is not overly difficult. I have only completely 4 course but have gotten an 'A' in all of them. The problem is I cannot find the time or energy to do it. I suppose I thought I was Wonder Women and I could do anything, but I can't. The school work exhausts me and makes me angry because I don't' know when or how to fit it into my life.
This past month I did not order a new course. I am worried about spending the money on the courses if I am not going to finish them. I am worried that I am going to take on too much and therefore be a tired, angry awful mother and wife at home. I am worried that I will finish the course and then in the end not even want to work in a daycare centre. I couldn't handle the guilt of paying all the money for the schooling and then not doing it.
I think I feel intimidated by what I see when I go to Rawley's daycare centres. The smaller ones where the kids stay in the same centre for long periods of time and you get to know them and build relationships sounds wonderful. However, the large centres where the groups of children change every few months and no one is settled and so much is expected of the ECE provider scare me. If I knew I could finish the course and set up my own daycare in my own house I think I would be less scared. But knowing that is not really a possibility considering we do not have the money to buy a house, renovate is for a daycare and go through all the business set up stuff... makes me think I am way out of my league. Besides that I would never have the knowledge to run my own business. That is a little beyond me I believe.
So what I know is that I am scared. I am scared of making the wrong choice, wasting money we do not have, wearing myself out, being a bad ECE is I even do it....so fear had led me to confusion. Confusion about what I actually want and what I am capable of. Confusion has left me to ....giving up... or at least putting it on hold because if I don't know what choice is right I just shouldn't make a choice at all.
So here I sit 4.5 months pregnant, plans to move to Manitoba in 6 months...but have no job lined up to go back to after mat leave, no idea of a job that I can do, no real dent in my school work.....and worried.
3 comments:
aw, that's tough.
What about becoming a TA? I know a few people who do that and really enjoy it, and it's school hours. Just a thought ...
Thanks Rach.
I have never thought of that.
What about finishing what you've started?
There is no perfect career. You are intelligent enough to be able to do many different things in life. And every job will have parts you like and parts you dislike because you will be fitting into what is needed by someone else. If someone else didn't need what you could do, you wouldn't have a job and you wouldn't be paid.
So the real question is this: can you be patient? Can you do - right this moment - what you should be doing while you wait for what you want? Can you cook supper? Can you open your school books? Can you listen to your son? Can you talk with your husband? Can you do the laundry? Can you go to your job? Can you open those school books and study?
And can you do these really quite simple activities with a smile? With focus? Without thinking about anything else but what you are doing right at this moment? And when this moment is finished, can you do the next activity with a smile?
It doesn't matter how you feel. All that counts is can you do what you should be doing right this very minute? Or for 5 minutes? And then for the next 5 minutes? Without worrying about the future because when you get to the future, circumstances will have changed and you'll have many new facts that will help you once again answer the question: What should I be doing right this very moment?
(And for me, this very moment, I should be writing to you and telling you, "DON'T GIVE UP!", which is what you yourself said to me when you were only twelve years old. And you were right.)
Here's another way to look at your situation: either you believe in God or you don't. God is not a magical creature that appears only upon demand. So, if you believe that God is a real entity, separate from your imagination, you can trust that He knows more than you or I. And that your paths will be invisibly directed.
You would dislike it if your son questioned everything you told him to do, if he complained if he had to anything he didn't feel like doing. If he had to clean up his toys when he was tired or do his homework when he wanted to be playing. Well, we're children to God. And we frequently don't enjoy every little task set before us but that doesn't mean it isn't good for us to do those tasks. And we'll be much happier children if we trust that God is more intelligent and more wise than we are, that God can take care of turning us into mature, joyful people.
So, trust me on this: don't switch from career to career. You'll never find joy that way. Finish what you've started. Take pride in accomplishing something that is difficult to fit into everyday life: studying. Persevere. Have courage. And you will develop the traits that you'll need no matter what job you have in five, ten or twenty years.
And don't get discouraged about becoming discouraged. Every day we get tired, but then we sleep and we feel better again. Life is like that: we feel anxious and worried, but then someone reminds us of the truth - that we're loved and everything is going to be fine if we just stay calm and finish the course - and we feel better again for awhile. And then we need someone to tell us the truth all over again.
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